Tales From the Dork Side: Turtles Forever Recap

Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a huge dork. Being the child of the 80’s that I am I of course grew up watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles every afternoon. I’m still a fan; I still have my action figures, the 1990 movie and several seasons of the cartoon on DVD. I watched a fair number of the 2003 reboot, but never really got into it the same way as the 80’s show. Part of it is the new show is more faithful (to a point) to the Mirage comics—which I had never read. I stopped watching after the first season (I also graduated college around the same time too) and followed up with the show only occasionally. When I heard about the crossover movie in the works for the turtles’ 25th anniversary, I got excited about the idea of seeing my old favorite characters given new life. The 90-minute movie aired on the CW4Kids in November 2009 as a series finale for the new show (although Nickelodeon has purchased the rights to the turtles franchise and is expecting another reboot in the future). I realize now it’s several months after the fact, but hey if the Nostalgia Critic can wait two months to review it, I can wait three to recap.
Since there are several sets of characters with the same name, I’ve decided to refer to the characters from the 1987 cartoon by their full names and the 2k3 characters by their nicknames. Why? They tended to go by nicknames in the new show and full names in the old. So here we go:
We open in New York in the 2k3-verse at night. The Purple Dragons are stealing high –tech equipment from a building (I’m only guessing it’s the Purple Dragons, based on the fact one of the guys is talking to a hologram of Hun). The camera pulls back to reveal four turtle-shapes watching the robbery in progress. They jump down, the screen goes black and we hear sounds of battle as the title screen gradually comes up.
We cut to the turtles’ lair where Splinter is watching a soap opera. Umm, okay. Wait, isn’t it nighttime? Does Splinter DVR his “stories”? Right after whomever the soap character is reveals to “Kincaid” that he’s not Kincaid’s step brother but rather his half sister, the show is interrupted by a Channel 6 News (nach) special report about the robbery we just witnessed. Splinter is not amused. The nondescript anchor man describes “four bizarre green creatures” and Splinter jumps to conclusions, demanding to see his pupils. The turtles, for their parts, make the most overly dramatic entrances: Leo jumps down from a balcony, Donnie uses his bo to pole vault in, Mikey rides in on a skateboard and Raph does this running summersault thing. Splinter reprimands his sons for being careless and compromising the secret of their existence. But wait! The turtles haven’t gone out all night. Then who could the grainy figures on that tape be?
Donnie backflips his way over to the computer (was that really necessary? Couldn’t he have just walked?) and pulls up the surveillance footage for a better look. They confirm that it was indeed the Purple Dragons robbing the lab (score one for me!) but wonder who the turtle creatures in the shot are. The turtles decide to investigate.
We cut to Purple Dragon HQ where one of the minions is recounting all the “high tech goodies” they were able to make off with to Hun. But wait, there’s more! They enter a secure room and reveal they have captured the Ninja Turtles. (!!!) Well, as it turns out they captured the ’87 turtles. Hun is justifiably confused, seeing as these turtles look nothing like the 2k3 models he’s used to. The minions justify their actions by showing Hun the turtles’ confiscated weapons. “Ninja type stuff,” they say. Oy. They’ve also confiscated what looks like several over-sized glowing purple Tylenol capsules. Michelangelo explains that the radioactive Tylenol is “just ooze” they got the last time they fought Shredder. Okay, actually they refer to Shredder using a bunch of bad nicknames: “bucket breath”, “frying-pan face”, “metal mouth”, etc. Unfamiliar with these epithets, Hun yells in confusion. Raphael takes this opportunity to confide with the audience that Hun’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. There’s a humorous moment here where Hun turns to face the camera in confusion
I need to make a note here about the voice actors. Due to union issues, they couldn’t get the original actors to reprise their roles so we’re stuck with a bunch of sound-alikes. Or not-sound alikes as the case may be. Leonardo and Donatello aren’t *that* bad and Raphael is pretty close, but Michelangelo sounds way off. Anyway, back to the movie.
Leonardo takes pity on Hun, I guess, and explains they’re talking about Shredder. Since that’s a name he’s actually familiar with, Hun demands to know more. Donatello explains again that the vial is mutagen they stole from Shredder. Hun opens one of the vials, and a fly that had been buzzing around drinks some of the mutagen, immediately sprouting fangs and claws and growing to the size of a basketball. Hun thinks the mutagen could be useful, “especially if the Shredder is back.” One of the minions asks what they should do with the turtles; Hun says to get rid of them since they’re “superfluous” (wow, big word; I’m impressed).
Just as the minions are about to open fire on our heroes, Hun is thrown back in the room by the 2k3 turtles. A vial of mutagen flies out of his hand and smashes in front of a minion holding a dog on a leash, splattering him with glowing pink goo. After some posturing on the turtles’ parts, a fight scene breaks out. We’re treated to some lame jokes involving Raph yelling for Mikey’s help and both sets of Michelangelos answering and bad puns on the part of the ’87 turtles. Mikey has already decided he likes these doppelgangers; “how can you not love these guys!?” he asks.
As Leo fights with Hun, he notices that the laser guns the minions use are leaving holes in the wall behind him. Getting an idea, he runs across the wall with the minions shooting after him in stereotypical minion fashion. That section of the wall soon comes crashing down on top of Hun and the Purple Dragons. The turtles escape through the hole, Donatello retrieving the mutagen vials in the process, and regroup on a nearby rooftop. Raph begins a subtle interrogation of their lookalikes: “who the shell are you guys?” “I was going to ask you the same question,” Donatello replies. Leo says they deserve some answers after risking their lives to save them. The ’87 turtles agree…and then proceed to jump off the roof to the street below in search of a pizzeria. The 2k3 three turtles watch in dismay as the other turtles wander the street in broad daylight, scaring the crap out of all the pedestrians, before deciding they need reinforcements.
The ’87 turtles, meanwhile, have found a pizza parlor and manage to skip to the front of the line by way of scaring all the other customers out of the place. After hearing the disgusting sounding toppings they want on their pizzas, the guy behind the counter decides to hightail it out of there as well. We cut to a few minutes later, when the turtles’ lunch is interrupted by the arrival of a fleet of police cruisers. Taking this as their cue to leave, the turtles decide to sneak out the back and are promptly entangled in a large fishing net and hauled off screen.
Elsewhere, the net is deposited on yet another roof top and the turtles discover that their new captor is…Splinter. Splinter is still not amused. Raphael notes that Splinter looks “different”, leading Donatello and Leonardo to notice that everything has been looking “different” since the explosion during their showdown with Shredder. The 2k3 turtles are intrigued and confused; Splinter suggests maybe starting at the beginning.
Flashback: the technodrome has been transformed into a badly rendered computer graphic and is rolling down the streets of New York. Inside, the turtles and Shredder are finishing up another epic battle. Donatello reprograms the transdimensional portal to suck the technodrome to another dimension (:sigh: again). All is going according to plan, until a group of foot soldiers barge in and shoot the console, causing the explosion they keep talking about (although we never see the explosion; just the technodrome glowing bright blue). Donatello posits that the portal must have succeeded in transporting them to another dimension. Leo asks if that means their Shredder is in their dimension too; the ’87 turtles shrug. Splinter remains unamused and declares it their mission to find the technodrome and return the visitors to their home dimension. As Mikey joins the other turtles in giving each other noogies, Raph agrees: “the sooner, the better.”
The technodrome, as it turns out, is underground in another part of the city. Oh and it’s out of power (:sigh: again). Shredder vents that a “minor battle” with the turtles shouldn’t have caused the engines to go offline. Okay, I know I complained about the turtles’ voices not being great, but Shredder’s is probably the worst. It sounds like he’s trying to fake a British accent while holding his nose and talking around a frog in his throat. Anyway, the computer registers a “temporal anomaly” and Shredder decides that means the blast propelled them into another dimension. Wow, Shredder’s quicker on the draw than the turtles. Scary. He takes this new development fairly well: slumping in his chair and pouting. This is going to be painful, isn’t it? He perks up when an alarm sounds a security breach and an image of all eight turtles and Splinter entering the cave outside the ‘drome appears on screen (wow, that was fast).
After Raph comments that the technodrome is basically a giant golf ball on wheels (because no one has ever made THAT joke before), a gangplank opens and Bebop and Rocksteady come charging out followed by a slew of foots soldiers. Another fight scene commences, with the ’87 turtles leading the charge with a cry of “Turtle Power!” Mikey still loves these guys; Raph laments that “it’s like having five Mikeys.” During the fight, Mikey keeps cracking up at the other turtles’ one-liners while Raph has no patience for them; Michelangelo and Mikey bond over Raph being such “a hard case.” As is expected, the turtles quickly neutralize Bebop and Rocksteady and inflict copious amounts of damage to the robot foot soldiers.
Inside the technodrome, Shredder yells in frustration at seeing the foot soldiers get trampled. Seriously, he should be used to this by now. I’m pretty sure if they simply stopped mass producing foot soldiers and put that energy toward running the technodrome, they wouldn’t have had as many problems powering the darn thing. Then again…the guy walks around wearing razor blades and hangs out with an alien brain. Speaking of whom, Krang’s face appears on the screen so he can get his two cents in about their current state of affairs. Yikes, I take it back: Krang’s voice is the worst. He sounds like an 80 year old woman delivering her lines while gargling. Krang blames Shredder for stranding them in the 2k3 dimension and opines that if he had access to his army in Dimension-X…well he never finishes that thought because Shredder tells him to quit nagging. They really try to play up the idea of Krang and Shredder being an old married couple in this exchange (and yes, that joke has been done before as well). While they bicker, Shredder comes to the realization that if there is another set of turtles in this dimension, then there must be another Shredder as well.
He pushes a bunch of buttons on the computer, causing the foot soldiers outside to self destruct (again I ask: why keep making these things?) and raising up the gangplank. Bebop and Rocksteady barely make it back to the gangplank before it’s fully retracted; the technodrome starts up (wait, wasn’t it not working a second ago?), blasts a hole through a wall and drives on through while the turtles take cover.
Later, Shredder has apparently been using Google to search for Krang’s counterpart in this dimension since the computer screen shows “0 results for this entry.” Googling “Shredder” pulls up video clips of the 2k3 Shredder beating up the 2k3 turtles. Shredder is justifiably impressed by his counterpart’s prowess and professes his lifelong wish to be able to work with someone so capable, unlike the “idiots” he’s been stuck with. “I’m right here,” Krang says from behind him, “I can hear you.” Okay, that was kinda funny.
Shredder utilizes the Google Earth feature to find 2k3 Shredder. Er, make that Google Universe since it locates him off world (I don’t know, I missed that episode). Shredder dismisses that fact and uses the matter transporter to bring 2k3 Shredder to the technodrome. Shredder’s triumphant monologue about the world trembling at his feet comes to an abrupt halt when he discovers that the Shredder for this universe is a small “pink slug” (yes, yes, I know he’s an Utrom and his name is Ch’rell; let’s just move on). Shredder whines that he wanted a “super sinister ally” while Krang gloats.
Later AGAIN, the bad guys have managed to free Ch’rell from the iceberg he was trapped in and are trying to revive him with a cryoregeneration tanning bed. And, since this is the ’87 Shredder we’re talking about, the thing explodes. Krang scolds him for botching the procedure. Sick of being yelled at, Shredder lunges for Krang and starts to throttle him. I’m not entirely sure how that works since *Krang doesn’t have a neck*. “Don’t you know who I am?” Shredder yells, “*I Am The Shredder*!”
Hearing his moniker taken in vain was apparently enough to revive Ch’rell. He promptly attacks Krang and Shredder, throwing both across the room (this is soon to become a theme). Krang and Shredder share a look, clearly beginning to understand they’ve underestimated the “pink slug”.
They must have talked him down from his murderous rage somewhat because when next we see them, Shredder is giving Ch’rell a tour of the technodrome. Ahh, but all is not as it seems for Shredder receives a call from Krang on his ComLink (that rings like a cell phone. :sigh:) saying that “all is ready”. Shredder dons a gasmask as green vapors enter the hallway he and Ch’rell are in. Seeing that he’s been betrayed, Ch’rell leaps from the arms of the foot soldier carrying him and attacks Shredder yet again. Luckily (I guess) the green vapors begin to take effect, causing him to foam at the mouth and eventually pass out.
In the command room, they’ve put an incapacitated Ch’rell into what looks like a jar of formaldehyde (actually, it kinda looks like the head jars from Futurama). Since the bad guys clearly can’t control him (or reason with him for that matter), Krang decides to dissect him (isn’t that a little extreme, Krang?). Before he can begin, however, a portion of the wall explodes and in comes Karai. She frees Ch’rell and introduces herself as his daughter. Shredder makes the obvious “family resemblance” joke and gets a kick to the gut for his trouble.
At surface level, the turtles are cruising around town looking for signs of the technodrome. What are they driving in, a dump truck? Well anyway, they’re run off the road by an armored car driven by the Purple Dragons. Hun appears on top of the truck as his lackeys open the back doors. Out jumps the dog handler from before, only transformed into a monstrous demon dog thing with a hot pink mohawk. Hun scolds the turtles for not telling him the ’87 turtles were carrying “super powered mutagen”. Um…yes they did. And anyway, wasn’t the giant fly thing a clue? Whatever. The dog mutant charges and we have yet another fight scene. At one point, the dog mutant whatever thing has the turtles cornered but Splinter, who had been injured in the initial charge, flips a switch on the side of the turtle van 2.0 that apparently activates a rocket launcher that takes out the dog mutant and Purple Dragons.
The turtles decide to take Splinter back to the lair and there’s a lame bit involving Michelangelo being unable to lift a manhole cover (in his defense, the thing looks like it was bolted to the ground). Hun revives himself enough to tackle Raph and the two fall into the sewers. He rips the mutagen vials off Donatell’s belt and gloats over his victory—that is until Michelangelo points out he’s crushing the vials in his fist. Hun is thoroughly creeped out by the glowing ooze dripping down his arm, and Donatello uses the opportunity to retrieve the mutagen. The turtles make haste out of there while Hun continues to scream about the ooze.
Later, in another part of the sewer, we see a hulking green beast following a sewer pipe out into a canyon—or something. It must be an underground cavern because the technodrome pulls up and lowers its gangplank (again, wasn’t it out of power a minute ago?). A fully armored 2k3 Shredder emerges, flanked by Karai, and addresses the monster. Where’d he get the armor, anyway? Did Karai bring it with her? The green monster is Hun, it turns out, turned into a mutant “turtle” by the mutagen. I say “turtle” because he doesn’t really look like anything, let alone a turtle. He’s got pointy teeth, glowing white eyes and spines sticking out from his shoulders and elbows. Actually, he kinda looks like Tokka from Secret of the Ooze, only with a square head. Anyway, 2k3 Shredder convinces Hun to partner up against the turtles and the motley crew retreat back into the technodrome.
Back in the lair, the turtles are pondering their next move. There’s nothing else to this scene except more bad jokes at the ’87 turtles’ expense. Moving on. When next we see the technodrome, it is undergoing repairs and remodeling. While 2k3 Shredder and Karai admire their handiwork, she comments that Dimension-X technology is “ridiculous” and the foot soldiers look “cartoonish”. Lady, have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re a cartoon. Continuing their tour, Karai describes the upgrades to the minions, specifically making the robot foot soldiers better skilled and amplifying the human troops using mutagen. We see the latter in action as a nameless lackey is injected with mutagen and transformed into Beast Man from He-Man. Wait, I thought the way mutagen worked was it turned you into the last animal you were in contact with. There are no animals in the room, so why is this guy going all furry? Yeah, I know: don’t bring logic into a made-for-TV movie about anthropomorphic turtles.
The tour continues, but is interrupted by a slightly humorous segment involving Shredder chasing after some revamped foot soldiers who, in the midst of their remodeling, have removed his command chair. 2k3 Shredder grumbles about his counterpart before stating he wants to learn more about the multiple dimensions. He enters the command room and orders the computer to show him “everything!” I know Google is amazing and all, but I still don’t think it can show you *everything*
At the lair again, Leonardo reassures the 2k3 turtles that they’ve handled Shredder and the technodrome plenty of times, but decide they need to get back to their dimension to gather their “anti-technodrome gear.” Oy. Donatello says they need to build a “transdimensional portal stick, but Donnie isn’t so sure it can be done. Technodrome: Krang is banging on the door to the command room, saying “other people need to use the transdimensional portal too, y’know!” I realize what they were going for there, but it doesn’t mean I have to find it funny. Luckily Karai shows up and saves us from the failed joke by yanking Krang out of his body and scolding him for interrupting 2k3 Shredder’s “personal time”. Just then, the doors open and 2k3 Shredder stumbles out, raving about needing to destroy the turtles. Shredder, hoping to share in this big moment, starts to talk about exacting “their” revenge on the turtles. 2k3 Shredder is having none of this however and throws him across the room (told you this would become a theme) before summoning Hun and ordering him out to find the turtles.
At the lair one more time, Donnie and Donatello have crafted their transdimensional portal stick….basically it’s a giant flashlight with wires sticking out. Unfortunately it’s not functioning yet. Donnie thinks it’ll never work but Donatello is confident that all it needs is a little more imagination or something. There’s a bad joke in here involving Donatello calling a wrench a hammer designed to really play up the idea that the ’87 turtles are dumb. We get it Laird, you don’t like the old show. Anyway, Hun, Bebop and Rocksteady show up with a bunch of the new model foot soldiers. Splinter is not amused by the bad guys invading his home. After some dialogue, we have yet another fight scene. Hun exposits how the mutagen turned him into the last thing he touched: “Mutant turtle filth!” This prompts Raphael to inform the audience that they shower regularly, leaving Hun staring at the camera speechless and confused again. Resuming the battle, Hun shouts about the “one TRUE Shredder” returning, before charging a column and causing the ceiling to start coming down. Donatello works feverishly on the transdimensional flashlight and zaps all of the turtles to safety just in time, but not until after they see Splinter injured (AGAIN!) by falling debris.
They reappear in an alley in the ’87-verse dazed and confused. The old school turtles quickly recognize they’re in their home dimension and we see some familiar scenery from the original show, including the Channel 6 building and Ninja Dentist, Ninja Dry Cleaners and Ninja Pizza from the first episode. If you watch the streets, you see a number of characters from the old show walking by, including the blond Channel 6 anchor man, Irma, and members of Bebop and Rocksteady’s gang as well as pre-mutated Bebop and Rocksteady. Leo decides they need to get back to their dimension, especially what Hun said regarding Shredder has returning. The ’87 turtles have a good laugh over the idea of “Utrom Shredder” (“sounds Sweedish,” Raphael says) which causes Mikey to flip out. Guess he’s not quite as in love with these guys as he was earlier.
Leonardo reassures them that they will go back, right after they save April. “We save April at least once a day. You can set you watch to it!” says Donatello as they charge out of the alley. Yeah that joke’s been made before too, but it’s still kinda funny. Anyway, we cut to our resident damsel in distress as she’s being menaced by giant four-eyed bowling balls, some leprechauns, a giant piece of pizza and a giant mutant banana. I…don’t remember any of those from the old show. Raph asks what we’ve all been thinking: “is that a mutant….banana?” “This dimension is seriously messed up,” Mikey confirms. April remarks how when the turtles are out of town her life seems to be threatened more than usual. The 2k3 turtles show up at this point and wonder why she’s wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “Do you work at a car wash in this dimension?” asks Raph.
After some dialogue, the turtles all pile into a nearby phone booth that apparently is a secret entrance to the lair (okay…I think the writers have been watching too much Get Smart). Before we’re done with this scene, though, the giant banana comes back and drags April off screen (ha!). While Donatello and Donnie compile the :sigh: “anti-technodrome gear,” the other ’87 turtles start giving Mikey noogies again (seriously, wtf?) while Splinter, Leo and Raph have a warm/fuzzy moment in the kitchen. The turtles admit they feel comfortable with ’87 Splinter, but are worried about their own Splinter.
As it turns out, Splinter survived the cave-in and has been captured by Hun. 2k3 Shredder decides to use Splinter as bait to lure the turtles into a trap. Karai wants to know what’s going on, but all her father will say is something about needing turtles and an overdramatic statement about the technodrome rising.
At surface level, April and Casey are having a romantic walk down the street…except April is trying to call the turtles on her cell and getting no answer. Casey is sure everything’s fine, which of course causes all heck to break loose as the technodrome erupts from the street in front of them. Meanwhile, iIn the ’87-verse, Donatello has put together their anti-technodrome gear, which amounts to roller skates, exploding throwing stars and SPF 1000 sun block (funny, I don’t remember the technodrome ever being on the sun). Needless to say, the 2k3 turtles are not impressed. When they open up the portal, they discover New York in a panic as the technodrome thunders down the street. Of course, after all the remodeling it looks a lot more like a bad computer graphic of the Death Star (Deathdrome? Technostar?)
The military has been called in to confront this new menace 2k3 Shredder gloats over their inability to damage the technodrome. Next we cut to a funny sight gag involving Krang and Shredder sitting on a couch eating popcorn enjoying the show. Although, Shredder still has his mask on…how is he able to eat the popcorn? 2k3 Shredder unleashes his robot-mutant army on the civilians and army officers as the turtles emerge from the portal with the Turtle Van and the Turtle Blimp. Raph groans that Casey (who is standing nearby with April) had to see him in what he considers a ridiculous vehicle. Speaking of April and Casey, last time we saw them Casey was wearing a red shirt and April a pink and white striped sweater; now Casey is wearing a black shirt, carrying his hockey bag and April has on a skin-tight yellow cat suit. When did they have time to go home and change?
The Turtle Van zooms in and out of the crowds, speeding toward the Deathdrome. Cameo alert: Tokka and Razhar attack the Turtle Van as it speeds along. A fight happens, stuff blows up, the ’87 turtles jump on Mikey and give him noogies (WTF?) and the turtles prepare to enter the technodrome. Inside, Shredder and Krang try to convince 2k3 Shredder to take out the turtles while they still have the upper hand, but 2k3 Shredder has had enough of their meddling. After throwing them across the room (AGAIN!) he orders them put out of the way. Before entering the Deathdrome (through the main door that’s been conveniently left open) the 2k3 turtles try to explain how this Shredder is not like their Shredder. “He’s vicious,” says Leo. “Lethal,” agrees Donnie. “COMPETANT!” exclaims Mikey (funniest line in the whole movie).
The ’87 turtles confirm they’re ready to take on the bad guys and, after trading catchphrases (“Go green machine!” “It’s ninja time!” “Turtle power!”) the turtles storm the technodrome and confront 2k3 Shredder. He puts up a weak fight before retreating to the command room. The turtles follow and find Splinter, who warns them too late that they’ve been led into a trap. 2k3 Shredder confirms this from a computer console in an observation room up above (wait, how’d he get up there?) and… I really don’t know how to describe this next part. He transforms the command room into, like, an evil version of that carnival ride where you’re pressed up against the wall as the thing goes round and round. Each turtle is electro statically stuck to a section of the wall while 2k3 Shredder stands on a platform in the center. He monologues about how he’s learned there are dozens of different dimensions, each one branching off from one single “source dimension” and each with its own set of Ninja Turtles. Using the evil salad spinner, 2k3 Shredder hopes to determine their “source DNA” and locate the source dimension he calls “Turtle Prime”.
Behind him, the screen shows images of the different incarnations of the TMNT that make up the “multiverse”. Included in this montage is the 1990 live action movie, the 2007 CGI movie and the Turtles anime. It’s a really cool sight and really shows how large the fad/franchise has grown.
The evil salad spinner spins faster and faster until the turtles vanish in a flash of light. Believing he’s determined the location of Turtle Prime, 2k3 Shredder uses to portal to transport the Deathdrome to that dimension. Outside, Casey and April see the Deathdrome implode and vanish. April thinks they’ve won, but Casey points out that the turtles haven’t reappeared. Just as April starts to get worried, all eight turtles fall from the sky into the crater left behind by the Deathdrome and we have the obligatory moment of Casey and April meeting the doppelgangers. The touchy-feely moment is cut short by Leo, who reminds everybody that they still have a bad guy to stop.
Everyone climbs into the Turtle Van and head off toward the Purple Dragons’ hideout. They’ve decided that they need to find some way to follow 2k3 Shredder to Turtle Prime, using the transdimensional flashlight to follow particles or something. Things get more complicated when the world literally starts to disappear around them. This is actually a pretty cool effect: the color leaches out of the surrounding area, leaving just a pencil drawing, and then that too fades away. Cool to look at; terrifying if you’re a cartoon character. Deciding the fact that their world is being erased means 2k3 Shredder is wreaking havoc in Turtle Prime, the turtles are doubly motivated to stop the bad guys.
At Purple Dragon HQ, the turtles help themselves to some of the equipment the gang stole at the beginning of the movie. That is, until Hun shows up with a bunch of Purple Dragon lackeys. Seriously, this guy is indestructible. He gets squished by a wall, blown up by a rocket, turned into a turtle and for all intents and purposes run over by the Turtle Van and STILL gets back up. He orders his minions to attack and during YET ANOTHER fight scene, the turtles try to explain to Hun the need to go after 2k3 Shredder. But Hun isn’t listening, too focused on getting revenge for turning him into a monster. “Some people can’t handle change,” Raphael says to the audience. Cut to Hun looking at the camera again. “Why do you keep doing that?” he demands. “Who are you talking to? THERE’S NOONE THERE!” (Second funniest line in the movie). The fight ends abruptly as the Magic Eraser Effect starts taking Purple Dragon HQ.
The turtles race to get back to the crater before they disappear too. Along the way, April and Casey fall behind and are soon absorbed by great white nothingness. The turtles continue on, just barely making it to the crater. There’s the obligatory moment where the transdimensional flashlight doesn’t work at first but kicks in right at the last second, zapping the turtles to Turtle Prime. They’re dropped into a deserted black and white street reminiscent of the comic book. The full-color turtles spend a few minutes taking in their new surroundings (Raph likes it; it’s gritty) but are soon spotted by their comic book counter parts (aw man, now I have to come up with a new set of nicknames) who don’t take kindly to trespassers. MirageLeo (for lack of anything better) narrates the battle using dialogue lifted directly from the comic’s first issue. Donnie wonders why he’s narrating; Mikey says they’re hardcore crazy; Raph loves these guys.
Leo finally gets them to stop fighting by saying they’re there to stop Shredder. The Mirage turtles are suspicious but willing to listen. After the necessary moment of “wait we’re you and you’re us,” they agree to help the full-color turtles find the Deathdrome (there’s some funny stuff in here involving Raph trying to get in with the Mirage turtles and getting rebuked while the ’87 turtles feel vindicated).
The Deathdrome is easy to find, as it turns out: it’s rolling down the street demolishing buildings with a powerful red laser. The Mirage turtles jump on a rooftop and taunt 2k3 Shredder, asking if he’s too afraid to come out and face them. Like any good villain, rather than finishing off the Mirage turtles while he has the upper hand, he hesitates and decides to go down and gloat. Before we get there, however, we have my favorite scene in the movie: MirageShredder shows up to fight, but is knocked off the rooftop by trashcans thrown by the full-color turtles. I especially love the alley cat shrieking as he lands.
By now, 2k3 Shredder has made it outside and has his megalomaniacal speech about being a destroyer of worlds, yadda yadda. The turtles had been expecting this, however, and the full-color turtles jump out of hiding to join their black and white brethren. 2k3 Shredder wonders how this is possible and Karai admits she rescued the turtles from his evil salad spinner because she’s afraid her father will destroy the whole universe. She’s also freed Shredder, Krang and Splinter and they all join together to face 2k3 Shredder. 2k3 Shredder begins a monologue about how he doesn’t care about the universe when MirageRaph throws him off the building (heck it worked for MirageShredder).
Before you can say “anticlimactic”, 2k3 Shredder grows in size until he towers over the building the turtles et.al are standing on. Krang awesomely makes his robot body huge as well, just like in the old show. It’s short lived, however, as 2k3 Shredder easily takes them out. At this point, the assorted members of the turtle alliance are crawling over the Shredder body, attacking him from all angles. It soon becomes apparent that nothing seems to faze him. “Even trash cans have no effect!” Michelangelo yells. Yes folks, the ’87 turtles are standing on the sidewalk throwing trashcans at him. :facepalm: As if that wasn’t bad enough, after Raph saves them from being crushed by 2k3 Shredder’s incoming fist, they start sobbing like scared children while Raph tries half-heartedly to console them. Ugh.
At this point, Mikey has noticed that the Mirage turtles have vanished. 2k3 Shredder has apparently come to the same conclusion because he’s looking around for them too, finally finding them when they leap onto his face. Not liking turtles on his windshield, Ch’rell panics and starts throwing levers. This causes him to back up into the laser beam the Deathdrome is still shooting. It turns out the laser is the only thing that can hurt him, so the turtles try to back him into the laser to finish him off once and for all. However, coming into contact with the beam caused a short within the Deathdrome and Bebop and Rocksteady, who had been imprisoned in the command room with electro static hand cuffs, are freed. Thinking 2k3 Shredder must need their help, they go running out of the room and in true Bebop and Rocksteady fashion manage to mess things up. One of them trips over an extension cord and unplugs the laser.
2k3 Shredder recovers, grabs the Mirage turtles and proceeds to crush them in his fist. The Magic Eraser Effect comes back and Turtle Prime starts to fade away. All seems lost until Donatello throws those exploding throwing stars into 2k3 Shredder’s leg. Startled, he drops the Mirage turtles and the Magic Eraser Effect recedes. 2k3 Shredder recovers quickly: just in time for Bebop and Rocksteady to plug the extension cord back in, turning the laser back on. Of course 2k3 Shredder was standing right in front of the laser and takes the full impact. The laser tears through him, disintegrating him completely. Hm, I guess you can say Bebop and Rocksteady saved the universe.
The turtles wonder if 2k3 Shredder is really gone for good; Splinter and Karai warn that he will return some day. Shredder promises to zap them all with a giggle ray once they return to the ’87-verse (seriously, writers?) and runs gleefully back into the Deathdrome with Krang not far behind. The ’87 turtles follow the bad guys into the Deathdrome (umm…wait, what?), but not before trading catchphrases once more with their doppelgangers. The gangplank closes and the Deathdrome vanishes (oh, that’s why). The 2k3 turtles then use the transdimensional flashlight to return to their dimensions.
All that’s left is the Mirage Turtles who decide to go out for pizza. As they jump from rooftop to rooftop, MirageLeo narrates the last lines of issue #1 (“We are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We strike hard, and fade away into the night”). The screen freezes on them striking a dramatic pose and the scene shifts to a studio where two guys playing Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird are finishing up the first issue of the turtles comic. Actually, I really like that ending; it really brings things full-circle.
So that’s Turtles Forever. What did I think? Honestly, I was a little disappointed the first time I saw it. I’m in what I know is a small minority of people who didn’t like the way the ‘87 turtles were portrayed. I know it has been argued that the old show was off the way crazy, but it just seemed to me that most of the humor was at the old show’s expense. I’ve seen it did get better with repeat viewings. I think it could have used more giant mutant banana, though.

American Idol results Show 2

I love my DVR. I can tape a results show and zip over all the filler and right to the good stuff. So unsurprisingly, Alison and Adam Lambert aka Emo Zac Efron (hey if Randy can compare him to Robert Pattinson, I can compare him to Zac Efron) will be continuing on to the next round. Alison was the best girl performer by far and although I wasn't keen with EZE's performance, I'm looking forward to what he'll do for the rest of the season. What was surprising was Kris making it through since I thought he was horrible. So Nick/Norman didn't make it. I have the feeling we haven't seen the last of him, though. He's good for this show the same way Sanjaya was: he provides buzz and a little bit of controversy.

Once again my predictions were 2/3. Lets see if next week I can get a perfect score.



On an unrelated note, I was at Circuit City recently, hoping to take advantage of the going out of business sale to score some new music. It's the final days of the sale, so everything has been pretty well picked over. I still managed to find a few gems (Weezer, Radiohead, and Keene plus Snow Patrol's latest) buried among multiple copies of Tony Bennett's Holiday CD, Mary J. Blige and Friends, and assorted Circuit City Essentials albums.

There were also multiple albums by no less than five former American Idol participants. That got me thinking. For a show that professes to offer life-changing opportunities, what does it say when their "success stories" are picked over and left behind? What does it say about the music industry when they'll put out albums by people who are only notable for being on a reality TV show? Finally, what does it say about the music consumer that they're actively choosing not to buy their CD's? Personally, I like to think that it means we as consumers are not as gullible as the industry would like us to believe. We have enough agency to choose not to give in to what's being force-fed to us by advertisers and peer pressure.

In sum, to answer Simon's question last week, "where is Bucky Covington?" He's at Circuit City, 60% off.

American Idol Top 36 Round 2

We're back once again for another round of American Idol. I had a dream last night that I auditioned for this show. I didn't make it. But these people did! Lets see how this week's bunch fares.
Jasmine Murray kicks off the show singing "Love Song". She starts out really low, lower than I think the song warrants. She doesn't show off or try to wow anyone, she just sings the song (and OWNS when she gets to the bridge). I liked it. The judges don't agree with me, but I won't hold it against them. After the break, Matt Giraud sings "Viva La Vida"...because we haven't heard enough of that song. I'm not sure his voice fits the song...his is very low and raspy and Chris Martin's is...not. It starts off awkward and then becomes worse thanks to a series of poor decisions on his part. He sings almost too....perfectly (perfect diction, perfectly hit notes..like you do when you're first learning a song. In theory a good thing, but not enjoyable to listen to), then throws some unnecessary vocal tricks, hits a falsetto and does a really good Justin Timberlake-esque crooner impersonation. He's all over the place, like he's trying out every music style in this one song. Next.

Jeanine Vailes sings a sassy version of "This Love" (hey, three songs in a row that I actually know! as opposed to last week). Um...yeah. She gets an A for effort. It sounds a bit karaoke at times, and other times oversung and shouty. I don't know what else to say...I really want to come up with something positive and feel like I should defend her (especially since the judges pretty much just flat out said she's not coming back next week) but I just can't. Oh man, Nick Mitchel/Norman Gentle is next reprising that Dreamgirls song. I'm not even going to try. He camps it up and hams it up and he's a shoe-in for next week because he's "entertaining". He's a culture jammer's dream....participating in the show, using the shows rules while at the same time taking himself and the audience out of the show to show you how ridiculous the whole thing is. They should have him come back every week to sing this song. That would rule.

Next we have another person I don't know: Allison Iraheta, singing a song by Heart. She's...good? I think. I get it that she's this year's "Rocker Chick". I liked it, but I couldn't tell you why (I agree with all the judges that she's the best so far tonight). Though I think I could get sick of her very quickly. Quick segue to Kris Allen, another person I don't recognize. His song is pretty lifeless at first and then picks up at the end, but I was honestly turned off from the get go. He sings with that white-guy-imitating-a-boy-band-member character that a LOT of guys on this show slip into. It just feels forced and smarmy and is always an instant turn off for me. Okay half-way mark; six down, six to go (Unless you count Nate/Norman as two people in one, in which case it's seven down, six to go).

Megan Corkrey sings "Put Your Records On" next. I think I remember liking her during the audition rounds. Not so much here. The little party dress and the sleeve tattoo are jarring. She sang the song well, but I just think her voice is too deep for this song. She's not as bad as Matt G, but I just think with a different song she would have really wowed me. Matt Breitzke the welder-guy is next. I'm pleasantly surprised he made it this far. He's singing "If You Could Only See". I like this guy; he's my favorite of the night so far. I think he does pretty well with the song (and I'm completely disagreeing with Simon and Randy here). I like how he doesn't care what the judges think; sometimes the best performances are the ones where the contestant is just having fun. Matt's shuffled off stage so Jesse Langseth can perform. She's good. Boringly so. She didn't wow me, she didn't make me cringe. She was just good, but in a forgettable way. Seems like the judges and I are on par with this one.

Home stretch. Viewer fatigue setting in. Kai Kalama. He's like a mix of Jesse and Kris. He's forgettably competent and confident while being a little creepy/smarmy at the same time. I have nothing else to say about this guy. Two more to go! So of course, lets have a commercial. Mishavonna Henson (I keep thinking Ryan's saying Mishabarton Henson). I think I'm just lowering my expectations because I though it was good.. She puts a fresh spin on this tired old song, so I liked it. But again, it wasn't overly memorable.

Adam Lambert closes out the show singing the Stones. He looks like an Emo Zac Efron. I really wanted to like this kid, but man what the heck was that? He's this week's Jackie Tohn. Just a bit too over the top without really showing how well he can sing. Randy describes him as: Steven Tyler meets FOB meets Robert Pattinson meets My Chemical Romance. Huh? I'm just confused. I'll chalk it up to having to sit through this for two hours.

My predictions for who goes through:
None. Okay I have to pick some people.
Guy: Adam
Girl: Allison
WildCard: Nick/Norman. I'm not feeling any of these choices, though. Results show tomorrow.

All-American Rejects do Britney

This video is actually pretty old, but I love it. The All-American Rejects do a cover version of Britney Spears' "Womanizer" for Pepsi Smash Cover Art series where artists get to do their take on other peoples' songs. The only other Cover Art session I had ever seen was Seether's ironic cover of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" (can anyone do that song without it being ironic these days?). What's not to love about this video? It has an accordion, clinking beer bottles, ugly striped pants and a bridge that breaks down into "Happy Together". Enjoy, I'll be back on Wednesday for more American Idol coverage.

American Idol Top 3 Results Show

Results show time. Anyone remember when the results show was only a half hour long? Just me, okay. Does FOX not have enough programming so they need to have American Idol on for hours every night so they can say they have something on at all times? Or does the public really crave shows that are 95% filler (see: award shows). 8:08pm and we've already had one "how they got here" montage, a group sing, and a commercial break.
Okay now to some results. Casey and Stephen are out. Not surprising. Alexis Grace is the first contestant to make it through to the next round and gets to sing again (is the sad sing-out being replaced with victory songs this year? That would be awkward at around Final 8 territory when the contestants going through perform a victory group sing while the person being voted off sits sadly off to the side). As per usual on this show, the reprise is much better than the original. Nerves, man. At least she gets to come back next week.
So far I'm 1 for 3 in my predictions.
Ryan takes Jackie and Ricky aside to ask them how they felt they did. Ricky didn't make it (again, not surprising). Jackie is also not going through to the next round, which part of me was surprised about, though not unhappy.
AnoopDog and Michael get the same double-header treatment (it's 8:30 and we still have 11 people to get through, man!). This time one of them gets through and it's Michael that gets the pass! I'm honestly shocked.
Back from the break: Do we really need an American Idol theme park/attraction? Apparently this year's contestants can't provide enough filler for this show since they've resurrected Carley Smithson and Michael Johns from last year to sing a song for us. America re-voted and Michael J is in the top 3. Just kidding.
Ann Marie, Brent, and Stevie face the music next. With Tatiana and Danny still sitting down, I doubt any of them are going through (and as it turns out, I'm correct). I had picked both of these as guaranteed to make it through (darn you Michael S, throwing off my predictions). And the winner is......Danny.
Seriously? No more Tatiana? Something tells me we're not out of the woods yet. She could totally make it through on the Wild card round.
Next Week: New nights, new people.

American Idol Top 36 Round 1

As promised, my thoughts on American Idol Season 8. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Over the next several months, I'll be sharing my thoughts on the contestants and trying to pick who will make it through each round. I'm not an industry insider, just a couch potato with a computer who's watched too much reality TV in general and American Idol in particular.
Tonight we have the first 12 contestants out of the Top 36 singing songs from the Billboard Top 100 (theme nights? Already?). This year they're doing things differently. Only three people are making it through this round and there'll be a "Wild Card" week. I'm not sure I follow Ryan Seacrest's explanation of how this works but if it means we get down to the Top 12 faster, I'm all for it. Without further ado, This......is your Top 36!

Jackie Tohn: wow they're not making it easy for me, are they? Two hours of show to get through plus they're starting off with one of my least favorite contestants of the season. She has a big personality and comes across as if her thinking is her talent is so obvious she doesn't need to try as hard as her competitors. As the first performance of the evening, I honestly don't know what to make of this. She can sing, no doubt about it, but she's all over the place with vocal tricks and runs. All I could think when she was done was: if Rent hadn't closed, she should audition for Maureen.

Ricky Braddy: He wasn't bad. He may have been a little off key on some of the high notes, but overall gave a good performance. His weakness is he's a little forgettable: Once this episode is over, I won't remember him

Alexis Grace: She was one of my favorite contestants from the audition round. She is a capable singer and its nice to see that she's stepping out of her comfort range on this performance. At the same time, though, she comes across as a bit affected, like she's playing a character. I hope she makes it through this round because once she hits her stride, she could very well win this season.

Brent Keith: All I could think about this guy was he was overwhelmingly average. My next thought was he was leaning too hard on the performance cliches with the way he lifted his arm and pointed at the audience at the end of every line. By the end, I felt like I was watching amateur night at the local bar.

Stevie Wright: Amateur night continues. In her video package, she said she was going to try to be "young" and acting more her age. Well, she succeeded. She sounded like a high schooler at a talent show (and not helped by singing a Taylor Swift song) than someone who made it through the nation-wide cattle call auditions. If she has sung that song at her audition, she wouldn't have made it through.

Anoop "AnoopDog" Desai: There comes a point where all they guys on this show sound exactly the same when they're singing ballads. Anoop is no different, but he does what he can to make the song his own. His vocals were controlled when he sang the riff, and unlike the other two guy his performance was polished and put together. I like this guy. No, this wasn't his best performance, but I thought it was still pretty solid.

Casey Carlson: Aw man...I had the feeling when she said she'd be singing The Police this had the potential to crash and burn. She went flat a couple times on the verses and the faces she made throughout gave the impression she knew she wasn't doing well. Her voice is just too weak to give the song any weight.

Michael Sarver: Seriously, he was the first person tonight who looked like they were having FUN. He's a little stiff and looks like he's not quite comfortable on stage yet. No, it wasn't the best performance, but it was the most engaging performance of the night. I liked it. I was singing along. I don't think he'll go very far, but he's making the most of the experience that he can.

Ann Marie Boskovich: I really don't have much to say about her. I've always found her very blah. A lot of the time, with the faces she was making, she looked like she was trying to impersonate Celine Dion (albeit while singing Aretha). It wasn't strong, it wasn't weak it was just average.

Stephen Fowler: I really wanted to not like this guy. If you disregard the fact he's taking on Michael Jackson (who should join Aretha, Whitney, and Janice on the list of banned artists...NO ONE can do these songs justice except the original artists) he's average and on par for the rest of the night. Wow, everyone's coming up average here. Maybe I should be a little more discriminating. Or find another word for average :wanders over to thesaurus.com:

Tatiana: Yeah, I'm giving her the One Name treatment. Because she's just crazy enough to pull it off. Dammit. I REALLY wanted to hate this performance but I have to admit: homegirl can sing. Batshit crazy, yes. Amazingly good, also yes. Hers was the most polished performance of the night. BTW according to thesaurus.com, some synonyms for average include: common, so-so, unexceptional, and midling. So I guess Tatiana would rate an above-midling.

Danny Gokey: Again, I'm biased. I liked this guy during the auditions. Even so, he was hands down the best guy of the night. He had an emotional connection to the song, something missing from most of the other contestants tonight.

Whoo, that wasn't so bad. Okay my predictions for results night:
Top Guy--Danny Gokey
Top Girl--Tatiana
Wildcard--Either Alexis Grace or AnoopDog

Grammy Awards Hour 4

Yeah last hour! Okay there's not much to this hour and they're really trying to stretch things out with all the commercials. Lil Wayne and Robin Thicke perform a tribute to New Orleans. It starts off with the typical rapping/singing trade off, and then the wheels come off. During the bridge, a marching band comes out and people start dancing with umbrellas. I found myself saying "huh? what's going on???" This was definately one of the most odd-ball performances of the night.

Finally, we have Album of the Year winners Alison Kraus and Robert Plant. I have mixed feelings about this set. I was really enjoying the background music, but the vocals sounded.....off to me. Like they weren't harmonizing quite right. Unless that was the sound they were going for...


Stevie Wonder returns to sing us through the credits and there we have it...four hours of Grammy Awards. Even without giving out those pesky awards, the whole thing still managed to be overloaded and repetitive. There weren't any acts that really missed the mark, but then again, there weren't many "wow!" memorable performances. I would have liked to have seen Kings of Leon perform, not just sit in the audience (not that they could have saved the proceedings from sinking into the doldrums, but it still...).
Until next year!